The three levels of forgiveness

Forgiveness is an act of nobility… in fact, it is an attribute that the Divine has assigned to Himself and named himself multiple names bearing this meaning (Al-Ghaafir, Al-Ghafoor, Al-Ghaffaar, Al-Afuww and others). 

The dictionary (https://www.dictionary.com/browse/forgive) definitions are as follows:

  • to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
  • to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
  • to grant pardon to (a person).
  • to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

In the context of this writing, forgiveness is, at the very least, to remove all rancour from your heart regarding the one that has truly offended you or taken away your right(s). I say truly so as to differentiate from the one you think has offended you - whereas there is no offence in reality. 

With forgiveness, there are three levels:

The “Islam” level: This is where you remove all negative emotions related to the person that has wronged you from your heart but you do not resume “normal” relations with the offender. 

At this level, you do not seek any revenge and you absolve the offender regarding all that they have done to hurt you. In reality, this is primarily (not only) a self-care act because the negative emotions live within you. You suffer a lot of pain from the presence of these emotions and to remove them from your heart will benefit you first before anyone else. 

This level of forgiveness might be the highest possible for certain types of crimes where the sight of the offender triggers deep wounds and trauma. As such, for self preservation, you forgive the person in your heart, but you do not treat the person the same way you used to treat them before they harmed you / betrayed your trust. 

As we have the best of examples in our Prophet ﷺ, an example of this level is the story of Wahshi as narrated below (by Wahshi from Ibn Hisham’s seerah):

After the battle of Uhud, I continued to live in Makkah for quite a long time until the Muslims conquered Makkah. I then ran away to Ta’if, but soon Islam reached that area as well. I heard that however grave the crime of a person might be, [God] forgave him. I, therefore, reached [Muhammad ﷺ] with Shahadatayn  on my lips. Muhammad ﷺ saw me and said "Are you the same Wahshi, the Ethiopian?" I replied in the affirmative. Thereupon he said: "How did you kill Hamza ibn Abd al-Muttalib?" I gave an account of the matter. Muhammad ﷺ was moved and said: "I should not see your face until you are resurrected, because the heart-rending calamity fell upon my uncle at your hands". It is explained by Islamic scholars that the reason for Wahshi avoiding Muhammad, was not out of continued anger against Wahshi, but in case Wahshi interpreted a look on the face of Muhammad as anger for him, which would therefore make him distraught. Wahshi says: "So long as Muhammad ﷺ was alive I kept myself hidden from him…”

The “Iman” level: This is where you forgive the person who has truly offended you and you resume normal relations with the person. If you used to visit them weekly before the offence, then you continue to visit them weekly after forgiving the offence. If you used to call them daily before the offence and speak with them for an hour, then you continue to call them daily after forgiving the offence and still speak with them for an hour. At this level, you truly wipe away the offence from your heart in a way that it leaves no traces at all. The one who does this when there is no personal / material / worldly benefit from resuming normal relations is truly a believer in God - and by this action, has proven their belief in doing things only for God. It’s a big effort to remove negative emotions associated with a wrong action from one’s heart… to follow this with resuming normal relations is truly an act of faith for which only The Bestower of Faith (Al-Mu’min)  can reward. 

Allah says in the Quran [Al-Jathiya:14]

قُل لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا يَغْفِرُوا لِلَّذِينَ لَا يَرْجُونَ أَيَّامَ اللَّهِ لِيَجْزِيَ قَوْمًا بِمَا كَانُوا يَكْسِبُونَ

Tell all who have attained to faith that they should forgive those who do not believe in the com­ing of the Days of God, [since it is] for Him [alone] to requite people for whatever they may have earned.

وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُوا هُمْ يَغْفِرُونَ

and who, whenever they are moved to anger, readily forgive;

[Ash-Shura:37]:

The Ihsan Level: This is where you not only remove all negative emotions regarding the offence, but you actually treat the offender in a better way after forgiving them compared to how you used to deal with them before the offence. Not only do you forgive, you start to show excellence to the person in a way that exceeds how you used to treat them before. 

About this level, Allah says [Fussilat:34 -35]:

وَلَا تَسْتَوِي الْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا السَّيِّئَةُ ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ فَإِذَا الَّذِي بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ كَأَنَّهُ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمٌ

And not alike are the good and the evil. Repel (evil) with what is best, when lo! he between whom and you was enmity would be as if he were a warm friend.

وَمَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا الَّذِينَ صَبَرُوا وَمَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا ذُو حَظٍّ عَظِيمٍ

And none are made to receive it but those who are patient, and none are made to receive it but those who have a mighty good fortune.

As is evident in the verses above, this is a position reserved for the elect of the elect… those who are truly special… those who wish to show excellence as Allah has shown them excellence (وَ أَحْسِنْ كَمَاأَحْسَنَ اللهُ إلَيْكَ). This is because when Allah forgives, He showers His Mercy on the one being forgiven such that they are elevated to a rank higher than they were before. He forgives and showers His Mercy (غَفورٌ رَحيمٌ)  He also loves those that repent to Him often (إنَّ اللهَ يُحِبُّ التَّوَّابينَ - Indeed Allah loves those who regularly repent to Him) 

The people who occupy this rank and exhibit this level of forgiveness are truly embellished by Allah with His attributes and as such are able to show excellence, even to those that harm them… An example of this from the seerah is when the Prophet ﷺ said on the day of the conquest of Makkah “Anyone who enters the house of Abu Sufyan is safe” - this is the same Abu Sufyan that exiled him ﷺ, fought against him in many wars, tortured and killed many of his companions - yet he ﷺ chose to not only forgive him when in a position of power and able to exact revenge, but also honour him by declaring his house a safe haven for others. 

These people never attributed the harm they received to the worldly means (the offender), but they realised that all is from their beloved (Say: Everything is from God Quran 4 vs. 78). As such, they see each tribulation as a. real opportunity to draw closer to Him and show patience and gratitude by showing excellence to the means by which this tribulation is brought to them (the offender). They also consider the offender as a human like them and as such, they treat them the same way they want Allah to deal with them when they fall short (I.e. with excellence after forgiveness). These are those who worship God as though they see Him. May Allah make us of them and beloved by them. 

Sleep well… Pain’s over

Diagnosed with colon cancer, he continued to make films, to entertain us, to try to make us all forget our pains and hardships for a few hours - all whilst he was battling his for years.... This hurt differently as it is an all too familiar journey for almost every Black American... Or dare I say, this is the American dream sold to black people. Yet the vast majority of them live it with enormous dignity.

Facing discrimination and death on a daily basis - yet you are expected to turn up to work - smile at others... numb your pain and make others coffee... bury your emotions and bring others’ dream to life. Our system will cain you, imprison you, taunt you with high status but eventually will not give you what you deserve... yet you must contribute to it and enrich others. The pain and hurt only felt by those closest to you - those who deserve the best of you have to live with the worst of you - as you have no other outlet for this pain...

For those who believe in a hereafter... there will be justice and all debts will be repaid.... all sacrifices will be recompensed and there will be no more pain for the oppressed and suppressed. The one who has suffered the most will totally forget all the pain with just a dip into His Lord’s Mercy - and the unjust who enjoyed all these world’s fleeting moments will forget all the sweet memories with just a dip into God’s Wrath. For a life lived without uplifting others and serving others is a life wasted.

You served us... you entertained us and you brought countless smiles and immense hope to hearts... You did God’s work on earth - and now you have passed on the baton to us all - showing us that the best of results does not always require the most perfect circumstances. That through pain, beauty can still be created and that those with no hope can still give hope to others

Sleep well... No more pain from here on...

So… that’s why he returned it

Sayyidyna Yusuf (Alayhi salaam) returned the barter item as a hint to his father that what he treasured will also be returned back to him... only until after the father saw this - did he allow Yusuf’s brother to go with his brothers...

Half knowledge – worse than ignorance…

Standing at the counter... I overheard a man speaking to my wife saying “welcome to Germany - but don’t stay here long”... consumed by anger, I challenged him angrily and asked him why he felt it was ok for him to say that to her... he replied: I have lived here for forty years... I became even angrier and yelled back (something my wife of 5 years said that it is the first time she has ever seen me that angry) “what gives you the right to say that to my wife? We are not here to .... we pay taxes here... he looked at me half dazed and half confused and gently said: “I meant well”... then walked off calmly and gracefully...

I looked around me and my wife was equally dazed... she had never seen me like this and she was wondering why... whilst i was telling the man off, she had whispered “Its OK”... but i didn’t even pay attention. Then within seconds... a very sharp pain, which felt like continuous sharp bolts of lightening, engulfed my heart... I wanted the earth to swallow me - and wished i had a magic wand to turn back time or erase the past five minutes... the pain continued and is still sharply felt as i write these words...

When I teach Arabic rhetoric, I tell my students that; in order to correctly contextualise a statement, you need to know three things:

  1. The state of the speaker
  2. The audience
  3. The context of speech

I usually emphasise that without knowing any of these three points, more likely than not, one would misunderstand or mis-contextualise the statement. I give numerous examples showing how important it is to really grasp these things before being able to correctly interpret or understand a statement... Alas, I guess it has been a while since I taught Arabic Rhetoric!

And this made me think... how many times are we convinced that we are absolutely right... but our myopic view of a situation blinds us from a complete and more accurate picture.

How many times do we feel that our anger is rightly placed... whereas we are simply acting based on incomplete information, mis-contextualised information or half-knowledge.

After we packed our shopping items, I looked desperately for the fine gentleman to apologise profusely... as i write, a part of me wishes that he can read this and realise how sorry I am for being angry at his gentle and kind words towards my wife... that I didn’t know and didn’t hear the earlier friendly part of his conversation with her.. and had I known, I would have smiled at him and replied with “we’ll try” rather than the angry rhetoric that I responded with..

Life is a collection of moments... and as long as we are breathing, there is an opportunity to learn and grow. I have learnt to make excuses for people even when what I hear from them doesn’t sound right... and never to jump to conclusions without giving people an opportunity to explain themselves... that it is better to be oppressed than to be an oppressor... and that if my paths were to ever cross with that gentleman (and I pray that our paths cross again), I would invite him to my house for a meal and apologise immensely for the discomfort that I put him through...

Life is a short journey... Travel Light... writing this has lightened the burden weighing heavily on my chest... and I hope anyone reading this learns something golden from it.

Love is the only fertile soil…

Whatever the emotion, let it be built on love...

Let your love be built on love...

And let your hate be built on Love...

Love built on hatred, is nothing but disguised hatred

Hatred built on hatred is a potent poison...

Hatred built on love leads to Justice...

Love built on love leads to eternal bliss

 

Thoughts…

 

So..

If I have ever  entrusted you with my thoughts...

Know...

that I have laid bare my soul..

For my thoughts are my soul's clothes..

And I undressed...

cause you're so close.

When I move on... there are those who will wash my corpse...

thinking they have seen me the most

No...

Only those...

That i have shared my unfiltered thoughts

can truly claim to have seen my soul

The past… A lesson or a trap?

A lesson is an event (something or someone) that you learn from - thereby becoming more knowledgeable and wiser from it.

A trap is an event  (something or someone) that holds you down against your will... keeps you fixated, unable to move away from it, grow from it or separate yourself from it.

For an event in the past to truly be a lesson, you must understand the following about it:

  1. It is a specific moment in the past and that is where it belongs.... in the past
  2. It does not necessarily dictate the future - so don't copy and paste it into the future
  3. How you react to future events must not be blindly dictated by the result of your actions in the past.
  4. Do not wear your past as tainted shades for viewing the present or your future.

An event in the past becomes a trap when:

  1. You use it as a main yardstick for analysing and defining future events
  2. You tattoo the experience in your heart... and allow it to define you and how you react to other events in the future

A classical example of a trap which looks like a lesson is as follows:

You fall in love with someone... head over heels... show 100% loyalty and submit yourself totally in love... then... the person betrays you... rubs your face in the mud and dumps you in a hard way... it hurts... it burns... it is unbearable... you become ill... unable to eat... unable to function... then... you "learn your lesson".. and you promise never to totally fall in love "like this" again... so that you don't get hurt like this again... You wont easily trust people again... and you won't allow yourself to be this hurt again...

TRAP!

What should have been a lesson has now become a trap... you are now unable to love freely anymore.. unable to view other potential lovers without tainting them with your experience... they are all potential cheats... deceits... instead of potential lovers. You have trapped yourself in the past and not given yourself an opportunity to love again... breath again... you did nothing wrong in the previous relationship... for loving with all your heart isn't a mistake... it's a virtue... being hurt is a part of the love experience (see love and pain)... you cant have the sweet with no sour (thanks K'nan) .... its incomplete...

Perhaps you will love again... in such a way that all previous experiences will be obliterated and seem insignificant...

Any experience in the past, that you dictate your future character based on it, is a trap... And the worst traps are those that present themselves as lessons. You think you grow from them... but you are imprisoned by them.

Every moment is new and every moment requires a new analysis... No moment should "carry the burden of another" and you shouldn't place the burden created by some on the innocent others...

So live each moment... appreciate every moment... and give each moment its due.. its worth... and that is 100% of you.

Muddy waters… and an Ocean

 

A man spends months, years filling a glass vessel with mud... drinking its contents and considering himself nourished by mud...

After a while... he starts to feel sick.. he thinks its due to what he is consuming... and then he feels and knows that there must be something else more nourishing than this...

Then... he hears about water being much better to drink than mud... he is convinced by this... then... he starts to search for water...

He looks around him... searching for water... but... only sees muddy water everywhere.... for all those who searched for water around him never gave up the mud for water... they just added water to their mud... given that this is all he sees around him, he decides that this muddy water is water... then... he starts to drink... initially, it makes him feel much better than drinking mud... it nourishes... but... it is still muddy water... and every now and then, he feels as though he is still drinking something muddy...

Then... after a while... by chance (or divine guidance), he visits an ocean and sees clear water... dazzled, he decides to cast his vessel fully in the water... letting the water wash all the contents of the vessel... at the ocean's pace... every time he attempts to remove the vessel from the water to drink... he finds traces of mud... until... he leaves the vessel ...and submits it totally to the ocean...

After an appointed time... he could no longer see the glass vessel... all he saw was water... waves flowing and storms brewing... still water... the vessel is no more... then... he starts to drink (directly?) from the ocean.. sweet water... nourishing... never ending...

Then... he looks around... looking for himself... but all he sees is water... no hands, no feet, no drinker, no vessel... just.... water...

Allah has created every [living] creature from water

أنا من الماء

"I am from water" Prophetic narration